Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

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Bugger I hate that when you end up on a different page.

Getting to Know Each Other…
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10
metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at
which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of
breath
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray River!!!

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And again God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said. "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said. "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said. "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said. "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said. "'Ave ya ever been *frack*, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said. "No".
She said. "Aye, well ya wull be when the tide coomes in."

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

Bit of an Oldie... but then so am I...

President Bush turned up at a school for a visit. When talking to the grade 4 class, he asked if there were any questions. Little Mary put up her hand, and said…

“Mr. President, I have 3 questions.
1. How did you get elected with less than half the vote?
2. Why haven’t you found Osama bin Laden yet?
3. Why did you tell us there were WMD’s when you knew there weren’t any?

Just then the bell rings for lunch & they all head out. After lunch, the President again asks for questions. This time Little Johnny stands up and says…

“Mr. President I have 5 questions.
1. How did you get elected with less than half the vote?
2. Why haven’t you found Osama bin Laden yet?
3. Why did you tell us there were WMD’s when you knew there weren’t any?
4. Why did the lunch bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where has Little Mary gone?

My favourite Irish joke...

Q: What do you do when an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like f**k - he's got a grenade in his mouth.

My 2nd favourite one...

An Irishman walks into a bar & orders 3 pints of Guinness. The barman serves him & stands watching. The Irishman takes a sip from one, then the next, then the 3rd. He continues this way till they’re finished.

As he’s about to leave, the barman asks what’s with the 3 pints & how he drinks them.

The irish guy says…
“I’m one of triplets & although me brother Dermot stayed in the mother country, Paddy & meself, Mick, have travelled. Paddy’s in Canada & I came out to Australia. But we agreed that every Saturday we’d get together for a drink, each in our own country.”

“That’s great,” said the barman & Mick walks out.

This happens every Saturday for a couple of months, then one day Mick walks in & orders 2 pints of guiness & sits to drink them.
The barman watches & feels terrible for Mick as he realises one of the brothers must have died. He walks over to where Mick is sitting.
“Ah, Mick, how are you?”

“I’m fine,” says Mick

The barman shuffles a bit then says…
“Mate, I’m sorry for your loss.”

Mick is mystified & asks what he means.

“Well,” says the barman, “When you only ordered 2 pints I thought maybe one of your brothers had died & was unable to have a drink with you.”

Mick laughs aloud and says, “No, no, it’s me! I’ve put on the weight a bit, so I’ve given up the grog.

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

Jenny Craig For Men

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!!!

One of the funniest 'Damn You Autocorrect's' I have seen...



Not sure if this means the same elsewhere...

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.



Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult

to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.



The Gorilla was on heat...



To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species

available.



While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham,

a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.



Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to

satisfy a female of any species.



So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.



Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have

Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.



The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer,

but only under three conditions:



'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss'er.'



'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'



The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they

asked what his third condition was.



'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with

the $500.

Hey do you guys know if it is okay to eat genetically modified food? Just the other night I had leg of salmon.