Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

My wife has an uncle that will probably be using that as part of his anti-green movement gibberish.

Bet she's being paid by the gas industry... "Nat gas is Beautiful."

My small contribution


CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do...
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

Father Dougal for pope....

Getting old?








When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok Homeland Security crap,

I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

None the less, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man I hate this getting older stuff!!!

Joining the Church





A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,
'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying
and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to
abstain from sex for the required month.'
The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to
abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour
and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this
means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'

Golden Syrup....... Brilliant !

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited
to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and
his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and
note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with
your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now,
because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from
the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden
Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over
your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and
go as a toffee apple.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

yea, yea I know.... pretty bad sorry.

Best joke of all is the bloke who claims he invented wicking beds

Roses are red, Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.


Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.


When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?


Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.


Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.


Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!


I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines..


What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.


Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument..


A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.


I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight..


And the Oscar goes to.............Prison!