Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

Bank Loan to a Scotsman

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street,
Central London, and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is
going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari
parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and
everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral
against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks
for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"


Ah, the mind of the Scotsman....

and following on from 50 sheds of grey IS...

Fifty Shades of Chicken


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa3eC02delM

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

The wait was worth the punch line on that one!

Good one Dr Bee...

Cheers.

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

Gold!

One Sunday, in the Cathedral of Notre Dame, Quasimodo enters the belfry, climbs the tower & gets ready for the Sunday morning chimes. He is giving a final polish to the main bell when the clapper drops off its mount & falls to the ground.

He knows he has no time to go get it, & it is a family tradition that the Hunchback family has never been late to ring the bells. In desperation, he swings himself under the bell, hooks his feet into the mount, & starts to swing. Right on 8am, his head strikes the bell & the peals ring out.

Down below, 2 citizens are walking past the cathedral. Hearing the kind of muffled chimes, one look up & says to the other, “Do you know the name of the man up in the steeple?”

The 2nd replies, “No, but his face rings a bell?”


Needless to say, the pounding & echoing sound is too much for Quasimodo & he dies.

Next week, his brother, Semimodo, turns up at the cathedral, determined to uphold the family tradition. Being a little inexperienced, he decides not to try things from the top of the steeple, but to use the ropes. Right before 8am, he gathers in the rope to the newly repaired main bell. He gives it an almighty pull to get the heavy metal swinging, but his foot is caught in a loop of the rope & he is hoisted into the air, cracking his skull against the steeple, & dying instantly.

Down below, the 2 citizens are walking by again.

One looks up & says, ’Do you know the name of the man who is ringing the bell?”

The 2nd replies, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Woman on a bus can't help but overhear the convo of the two Indian gentlemen behind her (from India)
‘I am to be telling you, it is to be spelling womb, W.O.M.B’
‘No, no, no, no… it is being spelled whoom, W.H.O.O.M’
After listening to it go back & forth for a bit she can’t help it, and turning around she says, ‘please I hate to interrupt but the gentleman here is correct, the word is spelled WOMB
The other guy says, ‘Please to be thanking you very much but could you be telling me where you are hearing the sound of an elephant farting underwater?’

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don't do it!”

“Why shouldn't I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there's so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

A guy is drinking in the pub & decides to get another beer. He tries to stand up to go to the bar & falls flat on his face. Undeterred he crawls to the bar, uses it to lever himself up & orders a drink.

He decides not to risk trying to get back to his chair because his legs seem a bit wobbly so he stands there & finishes his drink & decides to leave. As he turns from the bar he falls again, so he crawls to the door & then tries to stand up using the rail beside the steps. As soon as he lets go he falls again so he crawls home, Tries to stand up at the front door & can’t so he reaches up & unlocks the door, crawls inside, along the hall & then crawls into bed beside his sleeping wife.

In the morning the phone rings & his wife gets up to answer it

She comes back in & shakes him awake.

“You went to the pub & got drunk last night didn’t you?”

“What makes you think that?” he asks defensively.

“That was the pub on the phone – you left your wheelchair in the bar!”

This used to help me a lot when I was a barman...

Two Irish women have just been released from hospital after surgery. One is from the well-to-do life & the other a poor family struggling day-to-day. The rich lady is trying to justify her being on the bus instead of being picked up…

“Normally my husband would be picking me up, but he’s soo busy, poor dear. Last year when I left hospital, he picked me up in a limousine & we flew to Paris for 2 lovely weeks.”

Says the poor woman, “Dat’s noice!”

The rich woman continues, “And before that, he sent me off to Majorca to lay around in the sun & just enjoy myself.”

“Dat’s noice!” says the poor woman.

“A few years ago when I had some blemishes removed, he took me to the continent & we partied our way to Italy!” says the well off one.

“Dat’s noice!”

Finally noticing she is doing all the talking, the rich woman asks, “How about your husband? Does he treat you to special things when you’ve been in hospital?”

The poor little lady looks over at her and says, “Well, we could only afford for me to come to hospital once, and that time he sent me to London & I had lessons in deportment & elocution & fancy stuff.”

The snobby woman sniffs and says, “Well, I’m sure that was good, but I don’t see what use you could have got from elocution & deportment!”

The little poor woman looks her straight in the eye. “Well, I learned that when I hear things that used to make me say ‘F*ck Orf, it’s not polite, so now I say… “Dat’s Noice!”

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND,
SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET
AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY,
SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY
TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS
THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE
MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER,
HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES
ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH,
'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT
THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT',
SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS,
"MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT -
YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."
DISCLAIMER

Nice sharing

This is pretty funny...