Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

Native red indian introduced me to his wife. "This is four horses" he says. I say "What a beatiful name , what does it mean"
He said "Frigging nag, nag, nag nag"

A dad buys a lie detecting robot which slaps people when they tell a lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son where were you today"
"At school dad"
The robot slaps the son
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates"
"what dvd"
"Toy story"
Robot again slaps the son
"Ok it was a porno" cries the son
"What when I was your age, I didnt know what porn was"
Robot slaps the dad
Mum laughs. "Haha, he certainly is your son"
Robot slaps the mum

Nice analogy but last I checked the poor / lower 48% are actually getting paid - still same atlas shrugged concept in the end - and likewise no motivation for the middle-class to become rich

Contest




Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.


As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"

"I won First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won First Place , too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.

Police raid in Collingwood.....Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 20 semi automatic rifles with ammunition, 2 anti tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2kg of heroin and 5 Filipino prostitutes all in a housing commision house behind the public library. Local residents were stunned...... a community spokesman said: "We were shocked. We never knew we had a frigging library!"

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' (and if you're too young to know "Who's on first?" - google it!) might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. (glitch here - he wouldn't understand software - but that's a whole other skit)

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

How Old is grandma?
>
> Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
> One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
> The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the
> shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..
> The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
> ' television
> ' polio shots
> ' frozen foods
> ' Xerox
> ' contact lenses
> ' Frisbee s and
> ' the pill
>
> There were no:
> ' credit cards
> ' laser beams or
> ' ball-point pens
> Man had not invented:
> ' pantyhose
> ' air conditioners
> ' dishwashers
> ' clothes dryers
> ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
> ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
>
> Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. .... ... and then lived
> together..
> Every family had a father and a mother.
> Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
> And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a
> title, "Sir."
> We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
> centers, and group therapy.
> Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
> common sense.
> We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
> stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
> Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
> bigger privilege...
> We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
> Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
> Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
> Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
> weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
>
> We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters,
> yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
> We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
> our radios.
> And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
> Tommy Dorsey.
> If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk
> The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..
> Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
> We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and
> 10 cents.
> Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
> all a nickel.
> And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
> enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
> You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one?
> Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
> In my day:
> ' "grass" was mowed,
> ' "coke" was a cold drink,
> ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
> ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
> ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
> ' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
> ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
> ' "software" wasn't even a word.
>
> And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
> a husband to have a baby.
> No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
> How old do you think I am?
> I bet you have this old lady in mind....you are in for a shock!
> Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
> the same time.
> Are you ready ?????
> This woman would be only 59 years old.

News Flash: Wife stabs husband and cuts him into pieces....puts pieces in individual garbage bags...and puts them in the wheelie bin on bin night....That night she gets a knock on the door and there stands the Garbo.."excuse me" he says.." would you have another bag?"....The woman gets panicky and asks him why he wants one.....He says..."THE ARSE FELL OUT OF THIS ONE"!!!!

The Magician and the Parrot





A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f**kin' ship?"

TESTICLE THERAPY

Two Women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.