Backyard Aquaponics
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The BEST of Church Ladies with typewriters


Did someone say " the church has nothing to offer"

Yes, well it has, here it is!!

Church Ladies With typewriters.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Could only read half Curnow, the tears are still rolling down our faces.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

we can do BYF emoticons on here too now

Sort of.... If you go over to there, right click a smiley and copy it's "image location". Then back on here, use the "img" insert image button, and enter the url.

works a treat.

And this smiley was the only one that suited that line..

ah ok. BYAF has some cool imoticons, thought they might be coming over to here

Was going to do that at one stage but got a little side tracked.. Hence the reason we have some green ones here.. Was getting a bit hard to swap them around for the existing ones

hmmm
without going completely OT i rekon these would be great to have over here

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

A Penguin was driving across west Texas when his car started to overheat. He pulls over at the nearest available garage to have it looked at. The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. Seeing that there was an ice cream parlour next door the penguin decided to have an ice cream cone while he waited.Using his awkward flippers to try to hold and eat the cone was really challenging but it passed the time. As he walked back to the Garage the mechanic walked up to him and said, "Wal son, It looks like you blew a seal" To which the penguin hurriedly replied, Uh, no... it's just ice cream. Swear to god!"

Man goes to doctor and says Doc I have a weird problem, like when I pee it goes everywhere.
Doc says "well you had better drop your daks and show me whats going on"
Man does this and the Doc takes out a magnifying glass, "Ahh , you have lots of little holes along the length of it, weird yes. Now , I want you to go and see this man " as he writes down an address.
"Oh thanks Doc, is he a specialist ?"
"No, he is a fiddle player, and he can show you how to hold it"

Older Men Are More Considerate


An old man was in Tesco the other day, pushing his grocery trolley, when he collided with a young man also pushing his grocery trolley.

He said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence.. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old man said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old man said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

If you play Justin Bieber songs backwards you can hear messages from the Devil.

Even worse, however, if you play them forward you can hear Justin Bieber.