Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

So……
I lost the pub quiz night contest last night by 1 point!
The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?"



... apparently the correct answer is Fiji!

ROFLYSST
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS?

Rolling on floor laughing yet somehow still typing

How did you know this?
I only just heard it on Sunday night from Bill Bailey at the Palais, he was fantastic!
Dale

I don't know much but the little I do know has absolutely no value.

So....a homosexual, a smoker and an alcoholic are all at the doctors and basically told the same thing "If you indulge in your pleasures any more you will die".
The three men all leave together walking to their respective cars, as they are doing so they pass a bar.
The alcoholic smells the whiskey and said to the other two..."stuff it, just one last drink"....he walks in, grabs a shot and as the whiskey hits his gullet he drops down dead.
The other two look then walk on their way, as they turn the corner together the smoker spots a lit ciggy on the ground and the gay dude goes "if you bend over to pick that up....we're both F*%&$d"

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Same little Johnny with:
"urinate" . . ." but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a ten!"

and "contagious" . . . When all the chooks got loose from the rolled over truck, Dad said it'll take the contagious to get 'em back!

Cheers IanK.

Hi Ian
Just realised that you must have posted before completing the joke !!!
I'll wait for the punchline

Yep poor little johnny, his parents have a lot to answer for

Not actually a joke but real life is sometimes funnier
I planted approx 80 gum trees and 20 native shrubs between our property and the road, council employs the local prisoners to whipper snip all the verges after they completed ours I noticed that they had ring barked a considerable number of trees and cut up heaps of the dripper line.
I rang the Guard responsible for overseeing the prisoners and asked how a simple job could be botched his reply "I can't be watching them all the time" Huh !!!

The UN conducted a worldwide
questionnaire. The question was:


"Please give us your honest opinion
on how to resolve the shortage of
foodstuffs in the rest of the world."


This question turned out
unsuccessful and evidently difficult to
understand:


In Africa, nobody knew what
foodstuffs were.

In Eastern Europe, the meaning of
honesty was a mystery to many.

In Western Europe, people didn´t
understand what shortage meant.

In China people didn´t know what an
opinion is.

In the Middle East, the idea of
resolving something was totally unknown.

In Latin America, people didn´t know
the meaning of ´please´.

In the United States, the concept of
´the rest of the world´ was
incomprehensible.

IT vs Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."



"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?."



"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."



The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"



"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The Fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow,it's all my fault."