Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

Seems the Funny Picture thread is full of text jokes so a thread for text related jokes, maybe a sticky

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$390,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000" for it.

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of R2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F*ck off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "

And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment......

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
! That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

Unfortunately a little true..

Once upon a time in a government department far away there worked a supervisor called Clarence and an admin officer called Felix, who was a frog. Clarence came back from management training one day with a gleam in his eye. "Felix!" he exclaimed to the frog, "Public sector reforms are achieving amazing things through multiskilling. We're going to be teaching you to fly!" Felix was less than impressed by the prospect however. He'd tolerated a lot in recent years but this was going too far. "Sorry. I can't fly, I'm a frog." Clarence was impatient and cross. "Your negative attitude seems to be a problem, Felix. We need a 'can-do' attitude round here, not this knee-j3rk resistance to change. But don't worry, I've got you booked into a special training course. Starting Monday."

So on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday Felix attended an Empowerment and Efficiency seminar for Administrative Officers and learnt about problem solving, time management and effective communication. Nothing about flying, however.

On Thursday morning, assured that Felix was now thoroughly competent to fly and just needed to implement his training, Clarence presented him with a schedule. "We'll get you flying in no time with this scientifically implemented timetable" said Clarence enthusiastically. "The office is 5 storeys high. Every morning, we'll get you to jump out of a window one storey higher than the day before. After each jump, I fill in this evaluation form analysing how well the officer flew, identify the most effective flying techniques implemented and then make sure improvements are suggested for the next flight. Ready?"

Felix shrugged. Clarence popped him on the ground floor windowsill and pushed. Felix landed on the ground outside with a plop. "That's not bad for starters" said Clarence, carefully filling in the evaluation form. "But we'll start to get a better impression of the flying tomorrow."

On the second day, Felix begged not to be thrown out of the first floor window. "I can't fly", he said. "I'm a frog. I'll get hurt jumping from this height.". "Nonsense!" said Clarence. "You just have to fall smarter, not harder. There's no room in the modern public service for negative spirits who can't rise to new challenges. You've been trained - at great expense, I should point out - to fly. It is government policy that admin officers should fly. Therefore, you shall fly. Now!"

Out went Felix. He hit the ground with a painful thump, but still managed to limp back inside and report to the boss. "I still don't see too much evidence of flying technique" said Clarence, filling in the form for Day Two. "But it's the weekend now. You've got two days to revise your notes and consider your options for the flight from the second storey."

After a horrible, stressful weekend by Monday morning Felix was feeling deeply depressed and begged not to be thrown out of the second storey window. But Clarence just smiled, opened his copy of the One Minute Manager and showed Felix the part about greatest resistance being inevitable when managers were implementing new programs. Felix asked for a postponement of the project until the weather was more favourable for flying. But Clarence pulled out a timeline, pointed to the third milestone and asked "You don't want the schedule to slip, do you?" Felix looked down. It seemed a very long way to the ground. He tried one last plea. "You know this project is killing me, don't you?" But Clarence had heard enough. "Look here!" he said. "This has gone far enough. I'm tired of your negative attitude. And frankly, your performance has been less than satisfactory for some time now. It's shape up or ship out time, Felix. Now get out there and fly."

He pushed Felix out of the window. And alas, Felix hit the ground with a horrifying splat and didn't move again.

Clarence was horrified. What had gone wrong? He reviewed the situation as he'd been trained to. His project had failed to meet a single goal. Felix had resisted training, complained about its relevance, and had not only failed to fly, but never fully participated in goal setting and had frankly failed to endorse project objectives.

The solution, he concluded, was simple. It was obvious that he needed to hire a smarter frog! Perhaps a contractor this time....

A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies,

"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

heh , thats like the one I got taught when I was a kid , to yell out of a moving car at women walking dogs - "Nice pig youve got there !"

Im sure it used to just confuse them

rupe you cleaned that up

A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating... I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly...

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Lawyer's Funeral

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can.