Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

you hippie Les

It takes a uni degree to fly a plane but only an apprenticeship to fix one:
a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with
a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) By Maintenance
Engineers.

By the way, until recently Qantas was the only major airline that had never had an accident.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And The Best One For Last !!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

stop it les, you are giving me a sore stomach!

Those are crackers Rope - have seen them before but they still bring a tear to the (one) eye

nice one rupe

I going to take up walking fast after that!!

...or don't use me as a pilot

mmm...
I remember having the addres the pilots give during flight.
One was Capt Crab other was Capt Killmore kidd you not!!

A friend of mine was a pilot for awhile with a major cargo carrier. He left that job for a position with a manufacturer of heads up display units for aircraft. He now is a sales/installation rep with them, and goes all over working with various manufacturers and end users. He has sent me a number of photos of planes that were "skinned up a little bit". I'll try to see if I can send them to myself here, and then post them.

The gal with the "Doobie" makes me wonder about what her kissing skills are like. After all, if she can get a good draw on that big boy I can not even begin to imagine what lip locking with her would be like!
Kevin

Thanks for the laugh Moke

Where's your other eye gone Les?

Before takeoff…

“Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening.

We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is … The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one “first”, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing —- not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane. HELLO !!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight …..
Hold on, let me check what it is
…
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is… “Gone with the Wind.”

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business
and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.

If you all weren’t strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?”

After landing… “Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because “shift happens”!!

lol